I Wanted to End it All!

FYBROMYLGIA is a very misunderstood condition especially by employers and colleagues.  Living with chronic pain and fatigue is very different from being tired.

This is a clients first hand experience of dealing with building work pressure whilst dealing with chronic fybromyalgia and it’s effects on her overall health.

This was an urgent case which I took on within 48 hours of receiving her message. The client was in deep emotional distress emotionally, mentally and physically.

When she arrived we completed the paperwork and out of 35 symptoms this client had 32 of them at extreme levels of severity (eg 10 = the worst the symptom could be and 0 = no symptom at all).  This client was registering at 277 out of a possible 350 maximum score for physical / mental & emotional pain.

To give some perspective on the average person starting to suffer from Burnout here are some figures to relate to (2 or 3 symptoms at a high level or 5 – 7 symptoms at a mid range level).

This is her account of events.  (At the end is the score registered a week after after her 1^st session, & before we began session 2.) 

Catherine – 18.04.23

I’ve had fibromyalgia for about 8 years but was formally diagnosed about 6 years ago. My appointment in which I received my diagnosis consisted of a doctor telling me I had fibromyalgia handing me an A4 piece of paper loosely telling me what fibromyalgia was, and telling me to take paracetamol.

I was left feeling confused, upset and angry. I’ve had to do the majority of research myself. Fibromyalgia is whats known as an umbrella condition, it consists of widespread pain, chronic fatigue, brain fog amongst about 50 other symptoms, the severity of it largely depends on mood and mental wellbeing.

 I’m luckily recently to have found a doctor who understands the condition and is treating it accordingly, most doctors just throw painkillers at you and I was heavily reliant on gabapentin for a long time. Its a largely misunderstood condition and alot of people don’t realise how much people with fibromyalgia have to cope with on a daily basis, before all of life’s struggles as well.

In summary fibromyalgia sucks and it can be a very lonely place which doesn’t do any favours for mental health and wellbeing.

I started a job 2 years ago as a patient care assistant at a Vets, my mood was high and the work was hard but rewarding. I had made my managers aware of my fibro but felt it wasn’t an issue and wouldn’t interfere with my work unless I had a flare up. This happened in August last year, I had found out I was being sent for my student nursing and was over the moon. Unfortunately due to the actions of another person who missed out on the job, this happiness was short lived, this started a downward spiral that I lost control over. I let my line manager know I was having a flare up and she was really supportive and put me on light duties at work. This was working well until a colleague disregarded my fibro and said to me “we all have bad backs, take a bath you’ll be fine” this comment was very damaging and hurtful and i implore anyone reading this no matter how frustrating it is picking up the work load for a person with any illness, we know we’re annoying, we’re not faking it and we feel bad enough as it is without harmful comments like this so please don’t ever disregard someone’s illness as its likely to make it a million times worse as it did to me. I figured this colleague just didn’t understand so I tried explaining to her what fibro was and my mental health to be told “you’ll have to stop you’re killing my vibe”.

From that day I clamed up and wouldn’t tell anyone how bad I was hurting emotionally, physically and mentally and this caused me to not even realise how bad I was getting, I started having mood swings I was genuinely unaware of, it was like what i thought was happening was completely different to what was actually happening and i had no control or Knowledge of it. I ended up getting pulled into the office with accusations of bullying and not pulling my weight which started in August.

I’ve never bullied anyone in my life and I couldnt think of anyone I’d upset so I was mortified and heartbroken to think people dreaded working with me, also that nobody had come to me before and let me know. I thought I had friends on the team, friends who knew me and knew I wasn’t a horrible person. The few close friends I had on the team had noticed I had got a bit more blunt but understood I was struggling with my fibro so put it down to that. I was told I would be put on a performance review and potentially lose my career.

I was given the weekend to reflect on my behaviour. My behaviour i had no knowledge of. I spent the rest of my shift trying to hold back tears with some people acknowledging I didn’t look right and asking if I was OK. The colleague who made the “vibe” comments refused to even look me in the face. My friend said she was taking me home and as soon as I got in the car the floodgates opened and when I told her she was visibly shocked if not as shocked as i was reiterating I absolutely wasn’t a bully.

When I got back to my house she refused to leave out of a genuine fear I was a danger to myself. At that point I was. My mum was working that night so I had the perfect opportunity to do something and by the time she came home it would be too late. Luckily my friend talked me round and assured me I have alot to live for and I could get through this, I assured her I wouldn’t kill myself but I was broken.

I got very little sleep that night and in the morning went down to my poor mum and sobbed so hard she thought one of my cats had died she was shocked and heartbroken as well.

It was at that time I messaged Rachel. She rang me back and arranged for me to go see her the next day. My first thought was “somebody cares”.

Rachel saved my life, my career and my mental health and has done on more than one occasion. She said I was suffering from severe burnout so I started outside walking the community labyrinth which was beautiful and gave me a sense of peace, then we did some meditation, hypnosis and tapping.

When I walked into Rachel’s room I was sad, depressed and crying,  After the work we did I went home smiling and with a sense of calm and that everything would be OK for the first time in a long time.

With the help of Rachel and my doctor the performance review has been dropped and I am now being supported mentally and physically but I am like a different person thank s yo Rachel’s help. She has given me the tools to work on myself which has lifted my mood and with help of short term pain relief has made my pain manageable. Rachel has also given me the strength to be honest about my fibro and mental health especially with my managers and feel alot more positive being in work.

I still know not everyone understands fibro but with Rachel’s help I don’t feel like I am going to go into a downward spiral if I get a thoughtless insensitive comment such as the ones I encountered. With Rachel’s help I don’t feel like I want to end it all and with Rachel’s continued help I feel like every day isn’t such a challenge.

Catherine S